Advice from your resident favorite cis aunt-y!

Dear Miss Gabby,

I’m trans and that I want to transition, but what’s holding me back is that I’ll be really ugly.

I’m not the best looking and I’m worried transitioning will make everything worse. Will feeling better about myself compensate for not being society’s standards of attractiveness?

Homely in Houston

Dear Homely,

Your letter touches on a great concern in this country right now, affecting millions, which is being ugly as sin. But you left off a critical piece of information: are you a trans woman or a trans man. There’s a big difference, isn’t there? 

I mean, who cares too much if men are ugly? Ugly men run the world. And let’s face it, being an ugly woman, trans or not, is difficult. 

Is your concern about finding a partner? Don’t worry! Well-meaning fetishists abound. If you’re kinky, all the better. If you find someone with the same kinks as you, they are less likely to care as much as about your appearance. How do you feel about masks?

Basically, it’s not easy out there for ugly women, trans or not, so it’s up to you if it’s something you’re woman enough to handle.

Dear Miss Gabby,

For years I have been one of the biggest Harry Potter fans in the world. I have all the movies on blue-ray, I own multiple copies of each book, I have so much merchandise. But with JK Rowling’s recent comments about trans people, I’m not sure what to do. At this point, I’ve based my whole personality around Harry Potter! I’m at a loss. How do I reconcile loving the books with what the author is like now?

Sad Slytherin in Cincinnati

Dear Sad Slytherin,

You know what the Harry Potter books are great for? Kindling. 

I wouldn’t blame you if you, say, ripped out the pages of one of your many copies and made a giant, burning effigy of JK Rowling. Fire is cleansing, after all, so long as it is in compliance with local and state laws.

I don’t want to tell you to hate what gives you joy. So, find ways to continue your apparent obsession, while pissing off it’s author.

Given that you love the Potterverse as much as you do, I’m sure you write annoying, overly dramatic fan-fiction? Make all of the characters trans. Make Harry a trans girl. Is Draco really a trans boy? Are they all just taking polyjuice potion all the time? Expellum Boobum!

If you make fan art, put the characters in thigh-high socks, chokers, and cat ears. Even boys like that now. Post it on Twitter. Tag Mrs. Rowling in all of your posts. Spam her timeline with everything that she hates. Make sure the first thing she sees in the morning is Snape with boobs.

You’ll feel better and she’ll feel worse, and all will be right in the world. It could be worse. You could be really into Ayn Rand!

Or, you know, just find another cursed book to read. It’s up to you.