KABUL, AFGHANISTAN–Charles Bonwit, a 32-year old line cook from Evanston, Illinois, was surprised to find himself shipped to Afghanistan after joking that he “identified as an attack helicopter.”

“I thought I was being funny. I figured if someone who was born male could be a female, I could be a helicopter.” What Mr. Bonwit didn’t realize is there was a severe shortage of Army aviation assets. So he was immediately sent to the 101 Combat Aviation Brigade to replace an Apache AH-64 that had been seriously damaged by ground fire outside of Kandahar.

Because he is not in fact an actual helicopter, Mr. Bonwit has found it exceedingly difficult to fulfill his duties of attacking entrenched enemy units and suppressing ground fire.

“It turns out this whole transition thing is way more complicated than I thought.” Mr. Bonwit announced that, upon completion of his deployment, he will no longer identify as an attack helicopter, but will instead identify as a “Jerk who should have known better and will try much, much harder to have a better understanding of transgender issues.”