GENEVA–Physicists around the world looked at TV screens absorbing the news; there has been a long held belief that the easy questions were answered, that there was nothing obvious left and that all the new physics was full of theory and massive super colliders. However, astrophysicists were shaken to the ground when the news was spread through simple television: Charlie Watts of the Rolling Stones had died, ergo time must exist.

It has been widely believed that after Brian Jones died, the remaining members of the Rolling Stones performed a satanic ritual to ensure nobody died, and while Satan cannot stop death, he did stall time. Which is widely believed as why Keith Richards is still alive.

However, it appears that the magic holding time in place is weakening.

Even mainstream publications have alluded to the dark magic holding time itself in place. Variety posted an obituary praising Watts’ “adept, powerful skin work.” This ties with the Satanic Ritual Sex Magic that is widely believed to be behind the bands so-far longevity.

Meanwhile physicists are hard at work tweaking formulas to ensure the continued operation of our society, including GPS and “computer” systems, which some claim are just the souls of the dead counting really fast.

When reached for comment via Ouija board, the late drummer responded, “Richards still owes me 5 quid.”