WASHINGTON D.C.–Announcing that nothing will ever get better, Senate and House Democrats have announced that their agenda was implemented as they had envisioned. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference, “We have reached our goals and we are proud to announce that we have disappointed America yet again. It was a smashing success! Thank you to all our voters who hoped that we would do what you voted us in to do, despite knowing in your hearts that we would not.”

Speaker Pelosi is not alone in her praise of absolutely fucking blowing this thing, Vice President Kamala Harris, speaking from a secure undisclosed location, said, “It’s really great having this job. I come out like once in a while, but at least I never have to visit any of those shitty Senators again. They’re never going to call me to break a tie. Thank god! It’s not just Ted Cruz, who sucks. But it’s also, like, Dick Durbin. You know he sucks, too. Not just him, but he is from Illinois and I think he knows what’s coming as far as disappointment.”

Democrats succeeded in 2020 in capturing both legislative houses and the presidency, and yet they have not been able to pull off any legislative victories for their agenda, bowing to pressure from Moderate Democrats like West Virginia’s Joe Manchin and Arizona’s Kyrsten Sinema on the right and the fact that they’ve already compromised 3 trillion out of a spending bill on the left.

This seems in lock step with what seems to be the Democrats’ strategy for ensuring Republican victories and allowing more utterly meaningless political infighting similar to the near-governmental shutdown on September 30th.

When asked if she was excited about their chances at the mid-terms, Pelosi said, “Well we’re going to get our ass kicked, and then the Republicans are going to get Democrats really mad, so we can call on voters to do what they know they are going to do in 2024 again! I can’t wait. The cycle never ends. “