Between galaxies across the universe, there are filaments of matter connecting them, stretched for light years through the darkness of space. This vast emptiness, comprised of dead planets and stars and specks of dust not much bigger than the molecules they are made from, is completely stuffed full of filth and debris when compared to the exterior of my anus right now.
You see, my friends, I have a bidet. And, thusly, clearly, I am better than you.I was speaking with a friend, who I won’t name because she is quite famous, and she told me that after she got a bidet, she was getting new opportunities all the time. And, like The Secret, it can truly change your life.
Now, it’s no secret that everyone defecates; so therefore I must admit to you that my bowel movements are strictly scheduled for 10:00AM every fortnight. I keep this schedule with a diet comprised mostly of flax, but that’s no matter. I still weigh the same as I did in finishing school.
And I can tell you, and you should be grateful to know, that a bidet will manifestly help your life.
I have never felt more fresh and free than I have since I purchased that particular item. It’s gentle spray provides me with an opportunity to meditate perfectly and help me visualize my goals and, through the law of attraction, I no longer attract debris to my bottom.
It’s wiped away with the cleansing spray as I said once per fortnight.And through the law of attraction, because I am not attracting debris, as I said, it’s actually allowing me to become closer to God. I am more Godly because of my bidet.I think I ought to outline how this has proceeded:
- Be amazing
- Get a bidet
- Get clean
- Get really clean
- Attract Positive Vibes
- Embody Cleanliness
- Become More Godly
You see, it’s clear. I am really just trying to help you. I promise you, get a bidet. You will become perfection, as I am. The only thing to add it is best is to use my friend’s vagina scented candle.
Ed: This was contributed by D Rosee, a social media influencer of some note. It is unknown what note that is. Queer Coded does not endorse any particular view except what makes us money.