STERLING, IL– Local lawyer and CNN junkie Laura Ashland is in a state of confusion. After days of the news hyping up a possible confrontation between the US and Russia over Ukraine, the topic has been seemingly completely dropped in favor of Justice Breyer’s impending retirement.

“We’ve had days, DAYS, of being told Russia is planning an immediate invasion of Ukraine, and it kept escalating and escalating, and now? They’re talking about how Biden promised to put a black woman on the Supreme Court, which, yay, but is that ALL we should be talking about?” Ashland said, downing a glass of wine while huddled under a weighted blanket.

“As a lawyer I know how important for the future of the country it is to know who the next supreme court justice is, but frankly, can’t it wait until we know if we’re going to get pulled into WAR? With Russia? I mean, where are our priorities?”

“Like, isn’t this the perfect time for Russia to invade, while we’re all distracted with whether or not there are any good black women judges out there? Which, of course there are, there’s this one that keeps ruling against me who would be perfect. Please, put her on the Supreme Court so I don’t have to deal with her as much.”

“I can’t take the anxiety.” Ashland continues, while rumaging through her purse for an Ativan. “Just invade, or don’t. It will tell us exactly on the Right is actually a Russian pawn. I mean, not that we don’t already know, but we’ll really REALLY know.”

Ashland was last seen crying into a cup of tea that was spiked with Brandy, eagerly refreshing MSNBC’s homepage over and over and over again for any updates.