WASHINGTON DC–After three years of research, Queer Coded’s own investigative reporter and lesbian Samantha Mollins has finally released her bombshell report: girls pretty. “I was surprised when the conclusion of all my work fit into two words myself,” Mollins mused. “But then I thought about it for a while, and then I thought about it for a while after that, and then I just kept thinking about it and, uh… what were we talking about?”

Girls all over nation have been rocked by the report, which calls into question deeply rooted assumptions. Girls, once thought not pretty, actually pretty. “Girls pretty?” said Louise Brown, local girl. “I guess I knew some girls pretty, but now you’re telling me girls pretty? Wow.”

“It’s just what the data told me,” Mollins explained. “At first I thought it might just be an isolated incident of girl pretty, then a few isolated incidents. But the more I investigated, the clearer it all became. At some point, I just had to admit it. Girls pretty and also good and I like them.”

The conclusion is especially surprising since Mollins was originally sent to investigate weapons smuggling in Columbia.

Mollins said, “Yes, I’ll definitely get to that. But first, I just want to think about girl a little. Just give me a few days.” Mollins then stared up at the ceiling and stopped answering any questions.

Sources for her report include girls, all girls, every girl, and girls written a second time.

Queer coded is already delving further into the implications of this piece. By next March, we expect to have equally revealing reports about boy and also non-binary. Rumors are already running rampant that they also good and good-looking.