THE RIVER STYX, HELL–After the disastrous excursion of the submersible known as Titan, QueerCoded correspondent Charles Darwin was able to catch up with Stockton Rush, former owner of the private company OceanGate and Captain of Titan. A transcript follows:

Transcript

Charles Darwin: Good day! I must say that it is quite an honor to meet the newest winner of my award.

Stockton Rush: I am honored to receive such an honor! What is your award?

CD: The Darwin Award. I don’t know if you understand yet, sir, where you are. We are, in fact, on the banks of the River Styx, in Hades, as depicted in Dante’s Inferno.

SR: (laughs) That’s a good one, Charles. I’m sure this is just an uncharted part of the North Atlantic. Foggy! We’re on our way down to see the Titanic.

CD: My dear Mr. Rush, you need to understand: you have crossed the great divide and now await judgment. Your submersible met an unfortunate end due to certain…safety oversights?

SR: Safety oversights? Nah, I personally checked. I might have been a bit hasty, but, like they say, move fast and break things!

CD: As a fellow seeker of knowledge, I commend your zeal. However, your recklessness is what has brought you to these shores and a Darwin Award Winner not only for yourself, but your passengers!

SR: I think you’re mistaken, sir. My team and I are, as their liability waivers say, “True Explorers.”

CD: I implore you to open your eyes and recognize the gravity of our circumstances.

SR: My submersible must be waiting. I bet I know what they are not doing! Last-minute pressure tests. I’ll make sure to take some photos of the Titanic for you.

CD: What’s a photo?