Local femme Leslie Kipling is having trouble meeting women. Her matches on dating apps don’t usually flourish beyond a few text exchanges, Covid concerns keep Leslie out of gay bars, and she can’t seem to attract other queer women in the wild because, as she’s been told, she doesn’t “look gay.”

To combat this issue of not looking sufficiently homosexual, Leslie has mulled over the idea of getting what she calls a “gayer haircut.” In her words, “something short, shaved sides maybe. You know, a SIGNAL to the other lesbians out there that I’m single and ready to mingle…in a gay way.”

But there’s one problem. And it’s not Los Angeles’ sky-high salon prices.

You see, Leslie is an actor…and she JUST got new headshots last month. Salon prices look like gumball-machine-change compared to a good actor’s headshot. Leslie reportedly paid about 1/3 of her rent for those photos! These are the good stuff. Like, over-100-likes-on-Facebook good!

Yesterday, Leslie even auditioned for a pharmaceutical ad – you know, one of the ones with the long voiceover of deadly side-effects! Any day now, these new headshots are going to land Leslie a role. ANY day! She can’t just get a haircut and look completely different at auditions! Not now!

We asked her agent, Paul Shastington, if he would approve of Leslie getting a gayer haircut. Shastington replied, “as long as she immediately gets new headshots to reflect how she currently looks. She didn’t get the pills ad, so I guess now ISNT the time, financially speaking.”

When confronted with this news, Leslie conceded that the haircut would have to wait, as new headshots are just out of the question right now until she books something, and that it’ll happen “Soon. Really soon. It has to, right?”

To combat this rough patch in dating, Leslie reports that she will “maybe actually just talk to a woman I find attractive? But, no, probably not”