If it’s not one thing it’s another with your friend, Axel. You got them a new blender in February, a duvet in May, and in September, they’re moving again! What can you get them this time? It’s time for a list: The top 5 housewarming gifts for that special friend. Plastic Totes The humble tote, is… Continue reading Housewarming Gifts for Friend Who Moved 3 Times This Year Already
KANSAS CITY, MO–Settling down after a long day at work, a local woman suddenly found a cat sitting on her lap. It had been years, but finally her roommate’s cat has deemed her worthy. Stacey Brennan, 25, was at first startled and then slowly came to enjoy the bundle of orange warmth that seemed to… Continue reading Finally! Cat Has Deemed Woman Worthy
DES MOINES, IOWA– After paying for her meal at a food truck, a local woman was forced to confront some deeply seated feelings when she found herself face to face with a man. It was in this moment, that the woman, 41 year old Robin Flynn, endured a terrifying realization that she was finding a… Continue reading Woman Endures Terrifying Realization She Found a Man Attractive
LOS GATOS, CA–In the recent notices about Netflix’s July offerings, there’s one stand out stand-up special that has all the audiences talking. After taking a brief respite during pride month in June by releasing material from Robin Tran and Jaye McBride, Netflix announced that they will release a special entitled “Flushed” by a comedian who… Continue reading Literal Piece of Shit to Release Netflix Comedy Special
TOPEKA, KS–It’s not even the end of the school year, but teens are already looking forward to next year and a new trend is already emerging.
Some cisgender people are being diagnosed with what some professionals are calling Conscription Onset Gender Disorder, or COGD
ROCKFORD, IL–Downloading Winamp from the Internet, local woman Ashley Sampson (No Relation) had just finished watching Matrix: Resurrections. She said that had nothing to do with her decision to search through totes of clothes in hopes of finding something shiny. “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way I’m going back to 1999,” she said. She was… Continue reading Area Trans Woman Sees Matrix: Resurrections, Totally Decides To Not Relive 1999
Let’s get it out of the way, you’re awful. But there’s still something we need from you: A collection of worlds from which to extend our leader’s empire in this Galaxy. Sancho Mu Arae e is also known as HD160691e, this planet is named after the character in the totally hot Don Quixote. Not to… Continue reading List: Let’s Just Say We’ll Be Impressed If You Conquer These Planets In The Name Of Our Space Emperor
LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already… Continue reading Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness… Continue reading Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy
