SHEBOYGAN, WI–Aaron Garver considers himself a bit of a heavy metal aficionado, specifically of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal variety. So, it seemed a bit strange that Mr Garver posted openly about Rob Halford’s marital status on Facebook. “I mean, deffo some chick would totally love him. Why isn’t he married yet. I… Continue reading Area Man Somehow Still Unaware Singer From Judas Priest Is Gay
OKALLA, PA–Following a lifetime of work and after his tragic demise at the hands crushed under a pile of frozen peas, the comedian Mark “Longitude” Lounge left fans with a vast catalogue of work spanning years. He also left behind a history of being a real piece of shit. “Wow, Mark,” said producer Kyle Burns,… Continue reading Beloved Comedian And Writer Dies, Was A Real Piece Of Shit
MADISON, WI–Self-proclaimed gender critical radical feminist Kristy Johnson declared that she was done mincing words with who’s she called “trans activists.” “These trans activists have had their hands in everything. Really the only thing that can remain firmly in what a woman has is motherhood. That can only be accomplished now by us, the real… Continue reading TERF Tattoos Uterus on Face
BURLINGTON, VT–After saying something that she thought to be profound, a local woman has found herself refuted by science. Trans Woman, Ashley Smith, stated on social media that, “Being trans is the least interesting thing about me.” Two hours later, her statement was refuted by a scientist who had submitted her findings to the prestigious… Continue reading Trans Woman: “Being Trans Is Least Interesting Thing About Me.” Scientists: “Not So Fast.”
Catastrophic Drop In Gay in 2021 CHICAGO–Judging by the pride parade this year in Chicago, the amount of Gay in the United States has not stopped its previous ascent, but the numbers tell a different story. The level of Gay has dropped to below 2008 levels in the past year, mostly accounting to the Coronavirus… Continue reading BY THE NUMBERS: Gay Hits Decade Low Due To Coronavirus
OMAHA, NE — Recovering from a significant amount of stuffing loss, 35-year-old Theodore “Teddy” Ruxpin detailed his accident involving large agricultural machinery that happened last Tuesday. “It hurts,” he said, rubbing his paw on one of the 34 separate stitches now holding his stuffing in, “I’ve been working, ya know. Odd jobs. This one comes in.… Continue reading Teddy Ruxpin Who Survived Corn Detasseler Accident Describes Ordeal
Think about it, there are some people that are not really into people. They say they are happiest alone or with a book. But are they really? If they read so much, don’t they see that the Internet is full of articles about how to not be so introverted. There is no helping them. Can… Continue reading Extroverted? Here’s 6 Tips on Pretending to be Quiet and Reflective
SYRACUSE, NY–Citing new stressors, labor union Consolidated Fiends 203rd, is considering striking from their jobs. The union said that monsters demand better working conditions or they will walk off the job by mid July. “It’s quite disturbing, what some of our people go through. We have some creatures with PTSD from what they’ve seen going… Continue reading Monsters Under Bed Demand Better Working Conditions
MIDLOTHIAN, IL–Failing is never on anyone’s agenda, but for two friends, Alex Riley and Tony Carrick, failure hit the the duo hard after their career in podcasting. The duo’s podcast, “Hangin’ With Alex and Tony” ended after two episodes. The two cited creative differences. “I mean, when we started this,” Carrick said, “Alex was so… Continue reading Podcast Ends After 2 Episodes
CAMBRIDGE, MA–Neurologists at the Harvard Neurological Overlap Lab have made a startling discovery that threatens to upend decades of research into how the mind works. Using state-of-the-art radioisotope imaging combined with the latest in electron ptychographic reconstruction, scientists discovered that human orgasms brainwaves are entirely composed of the J.G. Wentworth Jingle. The lead scientist, Dr.… Continue reading BREAKING: Scientists Decode Orgasm Brain Waves Are Mostly The J.G. Wentworth Jingle
