Crime · Politics

BREAKING: Governor Ron DeSantis Provides Guidence To Florida School Districts On “Those Kids”

Joséphine Altzman
Governor DeSantis showing the maximum amount of sass allowable by law.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Following the lack of speed with which the “Don’t Say Gay” bill has driven all of those nasty gays and trans-ies out of existence (or at least out of state), Gov. Ron Desantis and the Florida Department of Education are pleased to provide the following guidance to all Florida schools.

Schools are to begin preemptive bullying of students who are:

  • Coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, asexual, questioning, or any variant thereof.
  • Admitting that any member of their family, is, was, or may possibly have been a member of “the LGBTQ+ community”.
  • Failing to use the official pronouns assigned to their gender at birth, and only in English.
  • Expressing any interest in anything other than being vanilla allotropic cisgender heterosexual.
  • Expressing any type of gender variance, including, but not limited to: wearing clothes typical of the gender the students were assigned at birth.
  • Expressing interest in members of their same gender at birth.
  • Expressing lack of interest in any members of the opposite gender.
  • Expressing any consideration that genders may, in fact, not be strictly binary. We all know that God only made two genders: Adam and wishes-she-could-be-a-man-can’t-she-learn-her-place-Eve.
  • Exhibiting behaviors typical of the opposite gender: (for boys: gossiping, crafts, and quiet reading, and for girls: math, science, and speaking up in class).
  • Using any words with the sound ‘gay’ in them (including as a part of the word, like “gate”).
  • Using any words with the sound ‘trans’ them (including ‘transportation’ and ‘transit’).

Bullying includes, but is not limited to:

  • Bringing the student up in front of the entire class and having them point and laugh.
  • Excluding the student from student activities, like sports, eating in the cafeteria, using a restroom (of any gender).
  • Forcing the student to wear a sign with their full chromotype during school hours, in pink for girls and blue for boys.

Guidance is slightly different for faculty members: any faculty members thought to have any type of variant thoughts, identifying as LGBTQ+, or failing to bully any student warranting bullying under this guidance will be shot on sight.