KENOSHA, WI- After a memorable trial and massive amounts of media coverage, 17 year old wannabe terrorist/freedom fighter Kyle Rittenhouse has been declared not guilty of murder on the basis of self-defense. Rittenhouse is still guilty of being a horrible human being, however, a fact that is apparently not against the law.

“This is America, which was founded on the right to be as terrible as you want to be,” says legal expert Matthew Ulver. “We even reward the worst of the psychopathic bastards in our society, often called ‘billionaires’, ‘politicians’ and ‘social media influencers’. Kyle is just the latest in a long and proud line that’s unlikely to go away anytime soon.”

We reached out to prominent anti-crime TV persona and professional wino Jeanine Pirro about the apparent irony of the right-wing in our country celebrating someone so willing to skirt the law and disregard human life, but she refused to take the call from a bunch of ‘sick queers’, so we can only assume she is going to publicly adopt Rittenhouse if the judge and jury in his latest trial don’t do so first.

Rittenhouse was last seen partying with Proud Boys and drinking underage, because apparently no one fucking cares.