Despite advances in human rights in recent decades, LGBTQ+ people are still a largely oppressed group. Straight people, often jealous of our sweet, sweet oppression, are always finding ways to cash in on that envious desire to have their existence debated.

That’s why local, cisgender, heterosexual male, Jacob Lang, has come out as a Sapiosexual. 

“It’s a totally legitimate identity for which I am regularly discriminated against,“ Lang languished, no pun intended. “Oh, wait, did I just end a sentence in a preposition? I’m sorry.” Lang apologized. In order to define his sexuality for us, he clarified, “Since I’m like, really, really smart, I only like other smart people. That sets me apart from everyone else somehow.“ 

According to Jacob, Sapiosexuals have a really hard time, romantically. Dating as a Sapiosexual is difficult because “women like aren’t that smart in general,” laments Jacob. “I absolutely would say I’m oppressed, as women reject me all the time!”

When asked what preferences in a partner he, a Sapiosexual, prefers, Jacob reported that he prefers women to have a college education, to speak with “proper grammar,“ and do other things that are largely inaccessible or framed within a white-supremacist structure! 

“My ideal woman would also have to read a lot of books,”  Jacob proclaimed before his bookshelf, which contains Chuck Palahniuk‘s entire bibliography, plus three different editions of Infinite Jest. “None of that girly shit like Pride and Prejudice by the Brontë sisters.” 

At the time of publishing, Pride and Prejudice was still written by Jane Austen. Upon review of Lang’s Facebook page, he appears to only date conventionally attractive white women.