CAMBRIDGE, MA–Neurologists at the Harvard Neurological Overlap Lab have made a startling discovery that threatens to upend decades of research into how the mind works. Using state-of-the-art radioisotope imaging combined with the latest in electron ptychographic reconstruction, scientists discovered that human orgasms brainwaves are entirely composed of the J.G. Wentworth Jingle. The lead scientist, Dr. Gretchen Van Wong, and her team published an article in the noted journal Nature that detailed their findings.

“It’s quite impressive,” she said on a phone call from what one presumes is an office on an actual college campus, “When we first made the mappings, it was a spot on for the rhythm and the pitch for song. You know,” she said and then proceeded to sing the ditty. “We all saw it. I even had my department head review the research and they agreed. Orgasms make this specific jingle in the brain. This is the same across all of our participants.”

She detailed the study, which included, “A self-induced manual orgasm to completion, with or without the aid of pornography, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, in all cases, led to the same kind of brain wave function. We ran the study again to just check the results; it’s stunning and it’s clear that the reason the jingle is so catchy is that 99 percent of people relate the song to the intense feeling of an orgasm.”

However, there were some who did not have such a reaction. “We did note that the 1 percent contained were from a specific area of the midwest portion of America; in and around the Chicago Suburbs. Those individuals had a different brain wave melody that came out of the study.”

Those persons, when induced to orgasm, had brain waves that echoed the music to “Save big money at Menard’s.”