STERLING, IL– Local lawyer and CNN junkie Laura Ashland is in a state of confusion. After days of the news hyping up a possible confrontation between the US and Russia over Ukraine, the topic has been seemingly completely dropped in favor of Justice Breyer’s impending retirement. “We’ve had days, DAYS, of being told Russia is… Continue reading Wait, Are We Going to War With Russia Or Not?
SEATTLE, WA- The right wing theory of the trans agenda, a supposed plan beginning with trans acceptance and leading to various catastrophic social consequences, has been dealt a fatal blow by the discovery of Emily Jones, a trans woman with absolutely no plans whatsoever. “I mean, I prefer to take things one day at a… Continue reading Trans Agenda Disproved: Local Trans Woman Has No Plans About Anything Whatsoever
WAUSAU, WI– The question on everyone’s lips is what is in the pants of local non-binary firebrand Praxis Jones. And the answer is, to what should not be much of a surprise, it’s a Colt 45. “Be the change in the world you want to see,” says Jones, who sports long, purple hair, a coat… Continue reading We Found Out What’s In This Enby’s Pants — It’s a Gun
KENOSHA, WI- Across the country, conservatives who have built a platform of being tough on crime were shocked and infuriated at the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse on all cou- haha, just joking, of course they weren’t. What are they? People who actually care about the stuff they say they believe in? “I’ve always said strict… Continue reading Tough on Crime Conservatives Furious at Kyle Rittenhouse’s Acqui- JK, lmao, Can You Imagine?
LOS ANGELES–Following one of Bill Maher’s “New Rules” Segments, the entire Millennial Generation found themselves unable to argue against the comedian’s bulletproof logic and decided to descend into hedonism. Specifically, Maher’s observation that Greta Thunberg had fewer followers on social media than Kim Kardashian led a number of millennials determining that the environment was already… Continue reading Millennials Turn Against Environment At Bill Maher’s Urging
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness… Continue reading Senator Josh Hawley Encourages Traditional Male Activities Like Poetry, Alchemy, Sodomy
LONDON–Expecting to die soon, Queen Elizabeth looked to solidify her legacy which has lasted since before World War II until she witnessed the rapid decline of the United States. The Queen announced her United Kingdom would annex the Isle of Terflandia. The newly deemed protectorate is the first new land since relinquishing Hong Kong in… Continue reading Queen Elizabeth Expands British Empire, Claiming Terflandia
LONDON–Despite widespread attacks on reproductive justice, a raging global pandemic, and a rising ocean, Gender Critical women across the world remain committed to fighting the real atrocity of our times. They will not allow their pregnant cisters to be referred to as people. After the US Supreme Court voted to uphold a draconian Texas law… Continue reading TERFs Object to Women Being Categorized As People
AUSTEN, TX- Local right-wing radio listeners this evening are mourning the loss of radio personality Stanley “Shoot ‘Em Up” Simmons, who died of Covid. He follows a string of other prominent conservative voices, who have railed against Covid precautions and are dying at an alarming rate. “All according to plan,” states liberal strategist Serena Munson.… Continue reading Liberal’s Nefarious Pandemic Plot Going to Plan
BEVERLY HILLS, CA- A month after Caitlyn Jenner lost her bid for governor of California, Queer Coded editors notice that, well, Caitlyn Jenner lost her bid for governor of California a month ago. “No one’s really surprised she lost,” says Californian political pundit Jay Munsey. “Who even supported her? Not pro-trans people, not anti-trans people.… Continue reading Jenner’s Gubernatorial Hopes Go Down In Flames; No One Cares
