WASHINGTON DC–Supporters of LGBT equality notched a much-needed win May 3rd, when a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision revealed the country is finally going to be oppressing straight people for once.

“Frankly, I just couldn’t be happier about this,” commented LGBT advocate and activist Cynthia Montoya. “America has a long history of excluding and oppressing anyone who doesn’t fit a cis-het binary built around reproduction. It’s great to see the Supreme Court also making life tangibly worse for people who do fit that paradigm.”

“It gives me hope that one day we may live to see an America that’s equally unpleasant for anyone to live in,” she added.

The draft opinion is in the case of Dobbs v. Jackson, a challenge to Roe v Wade sent by Mississippi. Supported by a strict 5-4 party line, the decision, in a nice change of pace, overturns a fundamental right held by cishet people this time. Love wins!

“As a bisexual trans man, I actually am directly affected by this,” said Jackson Harper, writer and commenter on LGBT issues. “But, still, it’s kinda refreshing to be targeted by apathy rather than malice every once and a while.”

“I’m also willing to take one for the team if people want to make an unconscionable law restricting the freedoms of men,” Harper added. “That’s called being an ally.”

“It’s important that people trust the Court to make life bad for everyone,” commented Carolyn Grosboll, clerk of the Supreme Court. “If our chief jurists can’t ensure that nothing ever gets better for anyone than a handful of 300 year old slave-owners wanted, who will?”