Think about it, there are some people that are not really into people. They say they are happiest alone or with a book. But are they really? If they read so much, don’t they see that the Internet is full of articles about how to not be so introverted.

There is no helping them. Can they really be happy people without being surrounded at all times by your bubbly personality?

Sometimes, it’s just not worth it to try to fix these people. They seem impermeable, such that you can’t absorb their life force while filling the void in your own soul that requires constant attention, adoration, and love.

The one thing these people offer is a very intense and focused source of attention. If you are an introvert’s friend, then you’re well on your way to taking in that nectar of sincere interest.

Some of them are very difficult. But with persistence, you can use these lessons to feign introversion and sink your energy tentacles into someone who thinks it’s “OK” to be alone.

1: Be Still

This is going to be difficult. Sitting still is something introverts do, despite the feeling of constant fear that something, somewhere, someone else is having fun or doing something that you are not. Who knows how they can manage life without trying to talk to everyone and do everything at once, but this is one of the more obvious steps.

2: Be Quiet

This might the most difficult thing to do. Do not speak. And if you do speak, do not gesture wildly with your hands like an old Italian mother in a pasta sauce commercial.

Unnecessary words coming out of your mouth might be manna from heaven, but there is a defect in the introvert that makes them seem sour or unpleasant. Like getting bitten by a snake, people can acclimatize. Give them that time for then their nectar will be sweeter.

3: Be Interested

Introverts are often people who are very interested in specific things. If you, too, are interested in these specific things, then you can subtly get the introvert to subvert their introversion by getting them to talk about that specific things. Come at it from a position of ignorance though, of course, you know all about that thing from that one guy you met at Kristin’s party. Natch.

4: Be Patient

Extroverts are not known for their patience but, truly, if you want to absorb the soul of an introvert, you must do so slowly, after many many minutes. It might seem like torture. And, for them, it certainly is.

5: Be Confident

You know introverts are sad pathetic creatures. You know extroverts are the way to go and there really is no middle ground. People who love people are the best people and you know it. Introverts might think they are being deep and important, but you know they’re just jealous. It’s OK.

6: Be Manipulative

Preferring one’s own company to those of others is selfish. That’s science. And science doesn’t care about the introvert’s feelings. It does, however, care for yours because you are loud and brash and just yell a lot. But an introvert might block out such obvious logic or try to refute it with nuance and so-called facts. Don’t let them even try because you have to undermine them at every chance.

Don’t be too blunt, but talk about others doing things the introvert likes is effective. “I heard Amber is at the club and she’s getting drinks.” Encouraging your introvert to embrace alcoholism or other addictions and then leveraging it is a classic technique for a reason; because it works!

To Sum Up

We all know extroverts are better people in every way. That’s why there are so many more of us at parties. While your new introvert friend may beg to stay home one night, you might have to physically drag them out by saying that you’ve been sitting home with them for a whole 15 minutes and you just can’t stand it.

Prioritizing extroverts in the world is how it works. Use that to live your life and slowly subvert your introvert friend. Soon enough, you will have another withered corpse of a friend at your feet and you can set them up in your dining room with the other people you love, like that neighbor whose name you never caught or your Aunt Bea whose house you live in and social security checks you use because you obviously can’t afford the apartment’s rent on your own are you serious?

Anyway, an introvert is meant to be used; that’s why they stay in one place. Don’t let them get away.