Agent Ryan: Good afternoon. We’re here today to talk about the status of apprehending those involved with the riot on Wednesday. Agent McKinley, please go ahead.

Agent McKinley: I’m pleased to announce we have nabbed Joseph “Boom Boom” Douglas, who was identified to be the individual who drew mustaches on three of the portraits in the Capital Hall. We also believe he is responsible for carving a penis into Senator Durbin’s desk, and defecating on Representative Hartley’s chair.

Agent Ryan: Wow, well, I’m certainly glad he’s under arrest. How did we get him?

Agent McKinley: Well, he checked himself into a Virginia hospital after having impaled himself on his own flag pole. He showed up covered in blood and red body paint. The hospital became suspicious when he refused a Hispanic nurse who tried to wash him off, and then he called a male nurse a “beta cuck”.

Agent Ryan: Good job on getting him off the street. Keep me notified about any other arrests. Agent Lawrence, any progress identifying the source of those pipe bombs?

Agent Lawrence: Not much, but luckily the public doesn’t seem to care so much about them. So we have some time.

Agent Ryan: Yes, let’s be grateful for that. What have you found out?

Agent Lawrence: Well, I can report the suspect orange powder found inside of the bomb did in fact turn out to be Cheeto dust. Forensics is still out on everything else.

Agent Ryan: Let me know when everything else comes in. How has coordinating with the Capitol police been going, Agent Dandridge?

Agent Dandridge: I have to say it’s mixed so far, to be honest. I have been coordinating with my contact in the Capital Police, Detective Thomas Thompson. We worked together, I thought, pretty well for a couple of days until I found he had been stonewalling me. He told me initially that he was there at the Capitol on duty but it turned out he was actually one of the rioters.

Agent Ryan: Heavens, how did you find this out?

Agent Dandridge: We received an anonymous lead of a rioter posting a stream on Twitch under the name “AnimeDude88”, that clearly shows Detective Thompson carrying a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag and flashing his badge at the on-duty officers trying to manage the crowd.

Agent Ryan: Has this detective done anything illegal himself?

Agent Dandridge: We’re not sure if he did anything more than enter the premises, but I did see a pen on his desk that I think may have been snatched from the Capitol building.

Agent Ryan: That’s unfortunate; please keep me updated. Agent Samson, how is surveillance of Antifa going?

Agent Samson: Well, as you know we have been trying to validate right-wing reports that Antifa were behind the violence at the riot. The investigation is ongoing, but at this point I’m fairly confident they are not involved.

Agent Ryan: What are you basing this on?

Agent Samson: There’s several reasons. The first is the fact most Antifa who show up in person to events typically wear face masks and black hoodies, and we didn’t see any of that at the Capitol. Also lacking were any of the usual support Antifa typically have at protests, like lesbians doing first aid or gay guys giving out snacks.

Agent Ryan: This all hardly seems conclusive. The theory is that they were posing as Trump supporters, isn’t it?

Agent Samson: There’s more to it, though. Antifa are almost all in unison about the dangers of Covid, and in fact, most so called “Antifa” are so afraid they prefer to stay behind their keyboards posting “memes” on social media making fun of Trump supporters.

Agent Ryan: We know this can’t be true for all Antifa, though; we need more you base our judgements on.

Agent Armisen: Pardon me, sir, if I may interject. My own surveillance of Antifa so far has been backing up Agent Samson’s findings.

Agent Ryan: Please, enlighten me.

Agent Armisen: Well, as you know, I’ve been paying especially close attention to a local Antifa “cell” called the “Coven of Late-Stage Trash Pandas”. They’ve been on our radar since their former leader shared a picture of a pink, white, and blue guillotine photoshopped in front of the White House with their Twitter followers.

Agent Ryan: Good grief. You said “former leader”?

Agent Armisen: Yes, “Kittygurl37”. She was forced out of leadership and subsequently “cancelled” after she had a falling out with the second in command, “Thebestsaphist2”.

Agent Ryan: Did they disagree on tactics? How to run the organization?

Agent Armisen: No, it was over whether or not vegans can eat honey. Though as I understand it things had been shaky since the Kittygurl27 “liked” a post from someone who once had made a joke about lizards, which Thebestsaphist2 interpreted as anti-semitic. Ever since then, the organization has been in disarray and we highly doubt they could coordinate for as much as a protest, let alone this.

Agent Ryan: How do you know none of them were involved? I’m assuming this cell is fairly large?

Agent Armisen: Cell members that we have identified have a fairly substantial social media presence during the time of the riot, showing they likely were not at the scene. Most spent the hours writing lengthy think pieces on the fall of the US, showing a focus that would have been difficult with the chaos at the Capitol. Then they returned to a long-standing argument over whether or not the video game “Cyberpunk 2077” promotes genocide in China.

Agent Ryan: ….These are the people we have been monitoring as potential domestic terrorists?

Agent Armisen: Yes, ever since Kittygurl27 made a reference to moving illegal drugs across state lines, but it turned out she just meant black market Estrogen.

Agent Ryan: Well, continue to keep an eye on them just in case. Do we have anything more to show for our investigations than a handful of arrests?

(All of the agents look at each other in silence.)

Agent Lawrence: I have also been monitoring left wing groups for signs of involvement, and hope to provide proof shortly.

Agent McKinley: Dave, we all know you were at the riots yourself. You had a Trump ski hat and stole a letter opener from Schumer’s office. I’ve seen the Snapchat feed.

Agent Lawrence: I was there under cover!

Agent McKinley: Please explain then why the feed also shows you opening doors for the rioters. And what the zip ties were for.

Agent Lawrence: I had to fit in to avoid being detected!

Agent McKinley: You tasered yourself accidentally.

Agent Lawrence: Allegedly.

Agent Ryan: …Just please be quiet, Dave.