DAVENPORT, IA– “Nobody wants to work anymore,” laments call center director Doug Osborne. “We pay $10! That’s more than minimum wage! People should be thanking me; they’re so ungrateful. They can’t even be bothered to show up to work. What are they doing? Spending time with family? Pisgah, how does that help anyone?”

“When I was young,” Osborne continued, “They always told us, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Looking at my employees they clearly want to be unemployed. Snuggies and Crocs. Like they’re depressed..”

“I was making more on unemployment, to be honest,” says his newest employee Mabel Erickson. “But that stopped, thank you Biden. So I had to get something. And I’m not likely to be actually hurt just talking to people on the phone. Better than them screaming in my face. But sometimes I have to Uber just to have gas money, and some days I make more than that than at my full time job.”

“I hear they’re talking about unionizing?” Responded Osborne. “What will that do but make it harder for me to fire these people? Unions should be for real jobs, not these sit at a desk and talk to people jobs. All they have to do is not swear and read off the screen. How hard is that?”

When asked about the fact that many of his workers, despite working full time jobs, are on government assistance, he seemed unconcerned “I know they need money, I’m the one that signs their pay checks! But I can’t pay them more, they might use it for drugs.”