Our master gay psychic mastermind has pondered the universe and watched the stars for how they influence you. You may now bask in their wisdom and succor. Are you prepared? You are not prepared.

Aries

The approach of a special unexpected visitor might cause you to thoroughly clean out your address book. After that, you can look for new and exciting ways to keep fucking up your life. Congratulations. When your friend arrives, you will accidentally misgender them and then you will make the apology about you.

Goddammit, Aries. You always do this shit.

Taurus

You should probably not do anything too strenuous after last week.

Gemini

Remember when, in that first batman with Michael Keaton as Batman, where the Joker says “This town needs an enema.” That town: It’s you. Honest. Maybe literally. Maybe not. But clean up your act and your ass, because that will keep you going down the proper path.

Also, yeah. They are thinking about you.

Cancer

Today you may decide that you deserve some self-care. You should try to research some ways at improving yourself and making yourself more interesting to others. You might have some erotic dreams that make waking up a bore but honestly you really don’t need that drama in your life.

Also, it’s  been a while. Take a shower.

Leo

You’re going to need to realize that you’re not ever going to get over that one girl and that other guy and that other non-binary person because you really just love too deeply don’t you don’t you care too much and you wish SOMEONE JUST CARED FOR YOU ONCE!

Call your mom. Or don’t. I’m not your boss.

Virgo

Today is a day when you should not steal office supplies. The office manager is very wary of the run on post-it notes and good pens.

Libra

Get that thing looked at, it’s going to bother you until a doctor tells you it’s benign. Unless he won’t. And why did you automatically assume the doctor was a guy? Is he younger than you? Oh god you’re already this old what is it going to be like when you really do get old.

Scorpio

Keep fuckin’ and find out.

Don’t change the safe word.

Sagittarius

Leave your doubts in the past and look to a brighter future because honestly you fucked up the past pretty bad and it’s only gonna be able to get better from here on out. You’re better off taking a reserved attitude at the nosy woman at work because she happens to know some stuff that is really interesting.

Get some new underwear. Trust me.

Capricorn

You really should tip the delivery staff better. It’s a pandemic and they are out there putting themselves out on the line for your carry out that you could easily just drive up the street and get. But you are a generous soul. 20% isn’t enough. Try 30. Give until it hurts because you like the pain. It helps you feel alive. 

Aquarius

For the last time, you’re not a water sign. Yeah, we know. Aqua: water. But you’re not. Just behave yourself.

Pisces

You probably are OK. Probably. It’s also kind of impressive how you can just talk like that.