♓ Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20

Might want to not worry so much about that job you applied for. They really had already decided who they were going to hire before they put up the posting. That’s fine, you know, but don’t worry too much about it. The world is unfair.

♈ Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19

Oh boy. Ooooooh. Maybe you should just stay home and play video games.

♉ Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20

No. Just no. You really can’t pull off that new look.

♊ Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21

The stars say that you should worry less about the stars and actually just do your taxes.

♋ Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22

I got no idea what this thing says, eh. It’s, like, a mess and apparently there’s something to do with a satellite falling into your pool? Do you even have a pool? Like. Probably not. Not everyone with these dates has a pool so it doesn’t make sense to me, either. Like even if you had a pool, you know. 

♌ Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22

No, she’s not into girls like that. Sucks.

♍ Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22

You know that look that the Taurus you know is trying to pull off. You can’t either. Don’t.

♎ Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23

Listen, I know you’re right, technically. But when was the last time you admitted you were wrong in an argument on the internet? Don’t bother.

♏ Scorpius (Scorpion): October 24–November 21

Fuck you. You know what you did.

♐ Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21

Well, look at you. Finally getting your act together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see you. I’ll be watching you.

♑ Capricornus (Goat): December 22–January 19

You’re too smart to believe this shit, aren’t you? You’re not. I didn’t think so. You’re really going to have to hit the work pretty hard this month because you never know what the place you work for will do to appease the shareholders next quarter.

♒ Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18

Future murky. Try again later.