Curious to know the future? We are too! That’s why we make it up!

♓ Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20

The planets tell me you might be coming into some money soon, but looking at you tells me you might need to buy some toothpicks. Seriously.

♈ Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19 

Whoa. Uhh. I’m going to take out some life insurance on you, buddy.

♉ Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20

The stars say that you have had recently or will soon have a birthday!

♊ Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21 

That outfit doesn’t match.

♋ Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22 

Today, you will need to make sure to take out the garbage, it’s starting to smell and your pet is getting awfully curious

♌ Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22 

Politics just sucks, ya know? Don’t talk about it at work or someone will get upset. That someone may be you, but you are someone. I promise.

♍ Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22 

You forgot to turn off the stove.

♎ Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23

The placement of Mercury in your sign says that Mercury is continuing to go around the sun in a predicable manner.

♏ Scorpius (Scorpion): October 24–November 21

You’re not going to get that job because you’re a shitty person and don’t deserve it you fucking loser; now just sit and stew with the realization that you do not deserve happiness. Also: play the lotto!

♐ Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21

Whatever you do, don’t eat goats today.

♑ Capricornus (Goat): December 22–January 19

Avoid Sagittarius’ today. I tried to throw them off your scent, but things are kind of sketchy

♒ Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18

Just be wary of capybara. They may see nice but they have a vicious streak.