Curious to know the future? We are too! That’s why we make it up!

Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20

The planets tell me you might be coming into some money soon, but looking at you tells me you might need to buy some toothpicks. Seriously.

Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19 

Whoa. Uhh. I’m going to take out some life insurance on you, buddy.

Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20

The stars say that you have had recently or will soon have a birthday!

Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21 

That outfit doesn’t match.

Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22 

Today, you will need to make sure to take out the garbage, it’s starting to smell and your pet is getting awfully curious

Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22 

Politics just sucks, ya know? Don’t talk about it at work or someone will get upset. That someone may be you, but you are someone. I promise.

Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22 

You forgot to turn off the stove.

Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23

The placement of Mercury in your sign says that Mercury is continuing to go around the sun in a predicable manner.

Scorpius (Scorpion): October 24–November 21

You’re not going to get that job because you’re a shitty person and don’t deserve it you fucking loser; now just sit and stew with the realization that you do not deserve happiness. Also: play the lotto!

Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21

Whatever you do, don’t eat goats today.

Capricornus (Goat): December 22–January 19

Avoid Sagittarius’ today. I tried to throw them off your scent, but things are kind of sketchy

Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18

Just be wary of capybara. They may see nice but they have a vicious streak.