If it’s not one thing it’s another with your friend, Axel. You got them a new blender in February, a duvet in May, and in September, they’re moving again! What can you get them this time?

It’s time for a list: The top 5 housewarming gifts for that special friend.

Plastic Totes

The humble tote, is there anything it can’t do? From holding stuff to holding bodies as they dissolve in a strong acid (make sure to check the specs before trying that!), a person can never be without enough totes.

Corn Cob Holders

Once a sign of pure hubris and luxury, the corn-cob shaped corn holders are now a must-have item in every household.

Note: QueerCoded, Inc., is based out of Illinois; we’re bound by law to recommend corn and corn accessories at least once a Summer.

Gift Cards

Because you forgot, you inconsiderate bastard.

An Extra Large Bandanna

It’s got a neat pattern and could double as a hobo bindle if the need arises. If you want the personalized touch, use it to treat a heavily bleeding wound. Choose your color carefully, especially if the recipient typically wears the kerchief in their back pocket!

A Mansion

Now we’re not talking some beachfront mansion or a private island, but maybe a nice one with 12 bedrooms, each with, 12 baths, an indoor swimming pool and, perhaps, a private 9 hole golf course. It should be fine. If they get bored, they can always move to a new bedroom.