AUSTEN, TX- Local right-wing radio listeners this evening are mourning the loss of radio personality Stanley “Shoot ‘Em Up” Simmons, who died of Covid. He follows a string of other prominent conservative voices, who have railed against Covid precautions and are dying at an alarming rate. “All according to plan,” states liberal strategist Serena Munson.

“Right wing radio has been poisoning our country long enough, and now keep dying, and we barely had to raise a finger!” Says Munson, giggling with maniacal laughter.

“We made this vaccine available to everyone, but purposely made it seem as authoritative and sciency and uncool as possible, so that right wingers wouldn’t take it! In fact, through expertly deployed reverse psychology, we’ve gotten them only shun anything that could have kept them safe! Now they’re dying at hundreds the times the rate! And we can’t be blamed for any of it because we were the ones ‘trying’ to keep them safe!”

“It’s well known that the right mistrusts anything the left has to say, so if they really wanted us to take the vaccine, they would have told us not to! They should have called it Trump’s vaccine and let him take credit!” Says conservative insider Rich Richmond. “This is all the left’s fault as always.”

Deaths on the right due to Covid not only include Covid-induced pneumonia, but O.D.ing on anti-parasite medication and anally ingesting bleach.