SHERMAN OAKS, CA – Honestly, 2022 has been pretty boring for Sherman Oaks lesbian Cameron Hillman.

Sure, we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, but after two years even THAT gets boring. Hillman works in sales from home, and the excitement of having free time quickly turned to boredom after so many baked goods and binged shows. Many people have used this free time to adopt a dog or a cat, but Hillman fears she still doesn’t have the patience and care required to keep a cuddly friend.

So Cameron has decided to take the full plunge into snake husbandry, in a shocking personality twist.

“I never thought I’d have time for a pet, but then I found out snakes only have to eat once every week or two. I was amazed to find out that there were animals I could completely forget about for weeks on end and still be doing more than the bare minimum,” said Cameron of their new-found maternal instincts.

While feeding a snake every 1-2 weeks is recommended, some snakes can live up to a year without food, but Cameron assured us she has no intention to forget about the snake for that long. She has decided to stock up on frozen mice (aka “miceicles”) to keep in her freezer. Ever the prankster, Cameron admits, “bonus points if my girlfriend finds the mice when looking for ice cream and freaks out.”

At the time of reporting, Cameron has already acquired a terrarium from a local pet store, as well as accessories, such as: wooden substrate, a log to hide in, and a heating pad.

She also went on Craigslist for a Barbie Winnebago to put in the tank because, Cameron quotes, “it’s gonna be hilarious to watch him slither through like it’s his little car! He doesn’t even have hands! It’s hilarious!”

Sources say the snake will arrive at Cameron’s home tomorrow via UPS from a reputable online breeder. The snake is reportedly a baby ball python and his name is Fisticuffs.