Advice · Holidays

35 Best New Years Resolutions for Surviving the End of the World

It’s a new year, but the world is crumbling down around you. What do you do? Luckily we have everything figured out! Just follow all of these tips!

  1. Tell More People When They’re Being Stupid
  2. Take All The Pills
  3. Pickles
  4. Get Drunk and Headbang
  5. Meme more and more radical shit until you alienate all the straights and squares
  6. Read More Cyber Punk
  7. Move the Fuck out of the US
  8. Zumba
  9. Get Off Reddit and use Twitter More
  10. Cash In 401K And Use It On Weed
  11. Pet More Dogs
  12. Sell Everything And Live in a Van
  13. Comic Books
  14. Spend More Time in Cemeteries
  15. Take More Picnics
  16. Take the Picnics in the Cemeteries. Bring Pickles
  17. Buy More From Your Friend’s Small Businesses
  18. Even If Their Small Business is Drug-Related
  19. Play With Your Neighbor’s Cat When They’re Not Home
  20. Get More Exotic Pets like Hedgehogs
  21. Electric Eels
  22. Become a Super Villain
  23. Start a Podcast
  24. Force People to Listen to your Podcast
  25. Get More Exercise
  26. Running Away From Cops is Exercise
  27. Come Out as a Non-Binary Atheist Asexual Vegan and make people guess which one is the lie
  28. Unblock some, block way way more
  29. Figure Out What the Hell Crypto Actually Is
  30. Read Your Friends’ Writing Even When It’s Bad
  31. Make Friends With Good Writers
  32. Catch Up on Marvel Stuff
  33. Figure Out How to Start A Fire without a Match
  34. Spend More Time in Nature
  35. Stay Alive if for nothing but to Spite your Enemies