SEATTLE, WA- The right wing theory of the trans agenda, a supposed plan beginning with trans acceptance and leading to various catastrophic social consequences, has been dealt a fatal blow by the discovery of Emily Jones, a trans woman with absolutely no plans whatsoever. “I mean, I prefer to take things one day at a… Continue reading Trans Agenda Disproved: Local Trans Woman Has No Plans About Anything Whatsoever
Tucker Carlson’s fury of the androgynous redesign of the Brown and Green M&M’s reportedly goes deeper than his normal performative rage, leading into a revealing look of the twisted chocolate-induced sex practices of the Fox News host.
TULSA, OK–Local trans guy Matt Theman laments the Omicron surge in his area and around the world as only he can. “Of course it’s awful, and needs to end, if for no other reason but that I need to have top surgery.” “Like, when ever I see idiots without masks, I want to scream at… Continue reading Covid Needs to End So I Can Finally Get My Tits Removed
Local femme Leslie Kipling is having trouble meeting women. Her matches on dating apps don’t usually flourish beyond a few text exchanges, Covid concerns keep Leslie out of gay bars, and she can’t seem to attract other queer women in the wild because, as she’s been told, she doesn’t “look gay.” To combat this issue… Continue reading Aspiring Lesbian Actor Wants “Gay Haircut”; Can’t Afford New Headshots
JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING — Joan Horowitz woke up the morning of January 7th like she did every other morning before that one. She opened her eyes, turned off her alarm, and, squinting from the sun in the windows, rolled over to greet her furry little friends. What she saw would change the world forever. Joan’s… Continue reading Local Woman “Literally Dead” After Witnessing Cats Being Cute.
AMES, IA– Local queer person Lynx Harris recently discovered the term “Aegosexual”, and immediately connected with it. The term, which refers to people on the asexual spectrum who have a disconnect with the object of sexual attraction and themselves, happens to describe perfectly what Lynx has been unable to express in their life, but is… Continue reading Queer Person Tired of Having More Stuff to Come Out As
LOS ANGELES, CA– “A person who identifies as a woman despite their chromosomes or genital configuration,” is a Jeopardy question that has stumped many transphobes, who are just proving they would be absolutely crushed if they had to go against current Jeopardy champion Amy Schneider. Schneider, who recently became the first woman to break $1,000,000… Continue reading “What is a woman?” And Other Jeopardy Questions Transphobes Can’t Answer
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA – “It wasn’t looking good for the first few minutes,” said local gay man Anton Larchmont of the new teams on The Amazing Race, which premiered last night. Larchmont reported that when he first turned on the program he felt fear. Pure fear. What if this year’s Amazing Race was ALL hetero??… Continue reading Local Gay Man Relieved “Amazing Race” Features a Cool, Queer Couple
DAVENPORT, IA– “Nobody wants to work anymore,” laments call center director Doug Osborne. “We pay $10! That’s more than minimum wage! People should be thanking me; they’re so ungrateful. They can’t even be bothered to show up to work. What are they doing? Spending time with family? Pisgah, how does that help anyone?” “When I… Continue reading For As Little as I’m Paying People; You Would Think They Could Show Up To Work More
It’s a new year, but the world is crumbling down around you. What do you do? Luckily we have everything figured out! Just follow all of these tips!
