WASHINGTON, D.C.–Citing video games, pornography, and idleness as portents of danger in American Life, Senator Josh Hawley placed the blame squarely on people who criticize masculinity. The senator said, “[A]fter years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness and pornography and video games.”

Quite clearly, the senator is encouraging men, young and old, to embrace the traditions of masculinity, including poetry, alchemy, and sodomy, which were performed by men in the 1800’s, Renaissance, and ancient Greece, respectively. According to some sources, no man has written poetry in the past 24 years.

“Oh, and don’t forget dinosaur fighting,” said Pennsylvania senate candidate Sean Parnell. Parnell stated that, “It used to be, you know, women were attracted to strength because you could defend them from dinosaurs.”

Some say that Hawley is factually incorrect, and specifically players of video games are approximately equal to that of men. Hawley dismissed such facts as irrelevant, stating that, “I have a pornography problem, therefore everyone has a pornography problem.”

When asked about what tasks men should be doing, Hawley suggested, “Animal husbandry. That’s a good one. Yeah. Okay. I. I got to see a man about a horse.”