DARBY, MT–In the wake of several mass shootings in a short period of time, the gun control conversation is happening and conservatives are NOT happy!

According to conservatives everywhere, the government is coming for their guns, but like, for real this time?

Local gun owner Brock Novack has had enough of the federal tyranny. “The government needs to stay out of our personal lives. What more do they want? They make me pay taxes, fill out a census, and now they want me to have LESS AR-15’s? What, I’m only supposed to have, like, 7? That’s it?”

It’s true that, as of late, several politicians, especially republicans, are legislating issues that would make one question the right’s commitment to “small government.” One example of this is the plethora of anti-trans bathroom bills, which-

“Woah, woah, hold up,” Brock interrupted. “That’s different.” Correct, Brock! It is different! To suggest that laws leading to less people dying/slightly less firearms is even remotely the same level of human rights violation as policing bowel movements is transphobic and ridiculous at best! At BEST! We at QueerCoded agree, Brock!

“No, stop! That’s not what I’m saying!” Brock yelled to us from his pickup truck with a mouth full of Chick-Fil-A nuggets. He continued, “That’s completely different. We need laws for bathrooms! I don’t want some predatory man in a dress in the ladies room near my five year old daughter!”

When asked which bathroom a “predator man in a dress” should be using, Brock scoffed, “Don’t be disgusting. They belong in the men’s room, near my seven year old son.”

When we asked him what he thought about the predator in a dress peeing next to his 7-year old son having an AR-15, he stated it would be fine because, “He already has his own AR-15 himself. Started shooting it before he was toilet-trained, as a matter of fact.”

Brook was last seen double-fisting beers from the back of his pick-up truck, where he flies flags of both the United States and the Confederacy without any sense of irony.