We all know rule 34 of the internet. “If you can think of it, there IS porn of it!”

Well, maybe we don’t ALL know the rule, but Ted Cruz sure does!

When Criticizing Disney’s opposition to Florida’s “don’t say gay” bill, Ted Cruz lamented that we would now have to see cartoons of ”Mickey and Pluto going at it.”

Well, that’s just gross! Why would anyone want to see such a thing? Of course, Cruz, a good Christian man, is only interested in wholesome pornography…where Mickey and Minnie go at it.

Only a heathen would tug it to two male cartoon characters raw-dogging. Cruz, only wants to see cartoon sex between a male and a female, like a NORMAL person. Mickey and Minnie are a married, heterosexual couple, and Cruz only consumes adult content featuring “cartoon mice in matrimony, as the Lord intended.”

According to unnamed sources close to Cruz, his pornography collection does, in fact, expand beyond Mickey-and-Minnie-Mouse-coitus. ”He’s got Donald and Daisy Duck. Simba and Nala, those mice from the Rescuer’s…you know, just regular, everyday porn” said one aide.

When asked if Cruz’s collection expands beyond the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse multiverse, the aide did admit Cruz is known to occasionally yank one out to Shrek and Fiona. “Sure, it’s Dreamworks, but it’s good, holy, heterosexual content.”

At the time of reporting, Cruz was protesting outside of Epcot, demanding that the ride “Soarin” feature more straight mice fucking, to which the Imagineers replied that “we don’t include any mice fucking.”