News Shorts

There’s Gold in Them/Their Pronouns

MILWAUKEE–In the wake of Demi Lovato coming out as non-binary and asking to be referred to with “they/them” pronouns, many Queer and Ally Americans are having to explain what pronouns are to family members, coworkers, and those weirdos they sit next to on the bus.

“Yeah, it’s been awkward,” says Ty Stone, who had to explain that Demi Lovato and Demi Moore are different people to their mother. “She’s trying, I know that, but she’s stuck on the ‘grammatically incorrect’ aspect of the whole thing. She says we should just use ‘it’ instead. I’m afraid to come out to her with my own pronouns, but maybe this is a learning lesson.”

The percentage of the country that uses “they/them” is still quite low, but is growing exponentially with younger generations and older weirdos who didn’t fit in much anyway. In fact, according to recent scientific studies, high school students in the US are “overwhelmingly” gay, with a steadily increasing percentage of them adopting neo-pronouns.

However, not all those who find themselves outside of the gender binary are comfortable with “they/them”. “Call me ‘he’, ‘she’, whichever, I don’t care,” states Carlos Martinez, who goes by the gender marker of “neutrosis”. “Just don’t call me ‘they’, it makes me feel fat. I know I have a few extra pounds, but not that much.”

“You know, I am that fat,” says local enbie El Patton. “You could probably cut me into two. There’s just more of me to love, you know? Use ‘they’ as much as you like for me, I don’t care so much, it’s not going to change anything about me. Just don’t call me “ma’am”, that makes me cringe to my core.”

It’s not just those who identify as non-binary who are adopting the singular plural. “I just think it’s more accurate,” says Abbie Forescyth, a barista in suburban Wisconsin who’s diagnosed themselves with multiple personality disorder. “I mean, most of the time I’m Abbie, but there’s a few others rattling around in my brain. Why not have everyone acknowledge that?”

Abbie is not currently under any psychological treatment, but at this point are happy and productive (a) member(s) of society. “It’s cool, we’ve gotten this far so far with it. It’s not like I can afford to see anyone with my insurance deductible anyway. You know, we don’t know if we have to meet the individual or the family deductible anyway, who has time to figure all that stuff out?”